What happens if you just let other people do as they please?
Not recorded yet Host Jan Sindre Heltne
Two words that became a bestseller. A walk through the ideas in Mel Robbins's The Let Them Theory – what “let them” and “let me” actually mean, where they come from, and where the limit lies for what you can release.
Mel Robbins is a podcast host and author, and The Let Them Theory (2024) became one of the fastest-selling self-help books in years. The whole book rests on two words – and on two more that most people forget.
Let them
The first half: let them. If someone excludes you, let them. If someone will not answer the message, let them. If someone dislikes your choice, let them. If someone decides to believe something untrue about you, let them.
The idea is that a large share of our daily unease goes into trying to manage other people’s behaviour, opinions and feelings – which we cannot manage. Saying “let them” is putting that work down.
Let me
The second half, and the important one: let me. Let them do as they like – let me decide what I do now.
Without it the theory is just resignation. Let them leave the party without you, let me find people I enjoy. Let them not get in touch, let me choose whether to keep the friendship going or let it go. Robbins is clear that it is the second sentence that makes this an action rather than a shrug.
Two sentences, and the second is the one that matters
- Let themPut down what you do not control: other people's behaviour, opinions and feelings.
- Let meDecide what you do now. Without this, the first is only resignation.
Where it helps most
- Adult friendship. Closeness comes from proximity and repetition, and as an adult both disappear automatically. Very few friendships die of conflict – they die because nobody takes the initiative. Let them not call; let me call, if it matters to me.
- Comparison. Rather than fighting envy, use it. What you react most strongly to in others points fairly precisely at what you want yourself.
- People who do not want to change. You cannot talk anyone into quitting drinking, changing jobs or becoming who they do not want to be. Let them – and let me decide what I then do about my own situation.
What it should not be used for
The book addresses this, and it deserves underlining. “Let them” is a tool against the need to control others – not a recipe for tolerating everything. Abuse, harassment, unsafety, your own children needing boundaries: those are not situations you release. Used wrongly, the phrase becomes an excuse for not doing something you should.
On the origin
The idea is not new, and it is worth being open about that. Separating what you control from what you do not is the core of stoicism, and appears in Epictetus nearly two thousand years ago. In therapy it recurs as work on boundaries.
The phrase “let them” itself spread through a poem by Cassie Phillips that went viral in 2022, and when the book appeared in 2024 a public discussion followed about credit. Robbins has said she encountered the expression through her daughter, and that the thought belongs to no one person. That is a reasonable description, but the discussion belongs in any account of the book.
Worth knowing
The book is long for two sentences, and repeats itself. “Theory” is marketing language – this is not research, it is a device. But the device is short enough to remember at the moment you need it, which is more than can be said for a great deal else.
This is not advice about any specific relationship.
Main topics
- The two sentences – let them, and let me
- Why the second half is the important one
- Adult friendship, and that closeness requires someone to take the initiative
- Comparison and envy as information
- Giving up on changing people who do not want to change
- What it should not be used for
- Where the idea comes from, and the discussion about its origin
Questions this episode answers
- What is the let them theory?
- What does let me mean, and why does it matter more?
- How do you stop caring what other people think?
- What do you do when a friend stops getting in touch?
- When is it wrong to simply let people do as they please?
- Is there anything new in this book?
Key points
- “Let them” releases what you do not control. “Let me” says what you do instead.
- Without the second sentence the theory is passivity, not freedom.
- Adult friendships rarely die of conflict. They die because nobody calls.
- Envy is a poor feeling and an excellent indicator of what you want.
- Some situations should not be released. Safety and mistreatment are not among the things you “let”.
Sources and references
- Mel Robbins – The Let Them Theory (2024)
This is an independent commentary on, and explanation of, selected ideas from The Let Them Theory. It does not replace the original work. Rights to the book belong to the respective rights holders. Editorial principles .
The content is general information and is not individual medical advice. For questions about your own health, contact a qualified health professional.
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