Never meet in the middle – the techniques the FBI uses to negotiate
Not recorded yet Host Jan Sindre Heltne
A former FBI hostage negotiator on why you should never meet in the middle. A walk through the ideas in Chris Voss's Never Split the Difference – tactical empathy, mirroring, calibrated questions – and what holds outside a hostage situation.
Chris Voss was the FBI’s lead international kidnapping negotiator. When he later taught at Harvard, he found that the techniques from hostage cases beat the ones taught on negotiation courses. Never Split the Difference (2016, written with Tahl Raz) is the result.
Why not meet in the middle
The title is the whole point. If you want black shoes and your partner wants brown, the compromise is one of each – an outcome neither of you wanted. Voss argues that compromise is usually what we reach for because it feels fair and is easy, not because it is good. The alternative is to work out what the other side actually needs.
Tactical empathy
The core concept. Empathy here does not mean agreeing or being nice – it means understanding what the other person feels and why, and showing that you have understood it. People who feel understood lower their guard. The tools are few and concrete:
- Mirroring. Repeat the last few words the other person said, as a question. It makes people elaborate, almost without noticing.
- Labelling. Put words to what the other person seems to feel: “It sounds like you’re worried about …”. Right or wrong – they will correct you, and you have learned something.
- The accusation audit. Say the worst they might think of you before they say it themselves. It takes the sting out.
Tactical empathy, three tools
- MirroringRepeat the last few words the other person said, as a question. People elaborate, almost without noticing.
- Labelling“It sounds like you are worried about …” Right or wrong – they correct you, and you have learned something.
- Accusation auditSay the worst thing they could think about you before they say it themselves. It takes the sting out.
Calibrated questions
Open questions beginning with how or what, which cannot be answered yes or no. The most important of them: “How am I supposed to do that?” It moves the problem to the other side of the table without saying no, and makes them treat your problem as theirs.
No is a beginning
Conventional negotiation hunts for yes. Voss argues the opposite: a no gives people a sense of control and safety, and only then does the real conversation begin. An early yes is often just politeness.
What he hunts for instead is “that’s right” – the moment the other person feels you have summarised their situation correctly. That is something quite different from “you’re right”, which is what people say when they want you to stop talking.
The Ackerman model
For straight price negotiations the book has a recipe: decide your target, open at 65 per cent of it, and move up in shrinking steps – 85, 95, 100 – with an odd final number and ideally something non-monetary at the end. The point is that shrinking steps signal you are approaching your limit.
The Ackerman model
OpeningYour target
The criticism
The book is anecdotal – stories from hostage cases, not studies. Several people have pointed out that a kidnapping and a salary negotiation are rather different situations, and that what works when the other party is desperate does not necessarily work against a procurement manager who has read the same book.
Voss also cites the so-called 7-38-55 rule – that only 7 per cent of communication is words – which is a widespread misreading of Albert Mehrabian’s research from the 1960s. The rule applies to a narrow experiment, not to communication in general.
What is worth taking anyway is the attitude: that the aim is to understand, that questions beat arguments, and that a no is not the end.
The content is a walk through what the book argues, together with the criticism it has met. Not advice for any specific negotiation.
Main topics
- Why compromise is often the worst outcome
- Tactical empathy – understanding the other side without agreeing
- Mirroring and labelling
- Calibrated questions beginning with how and what
- Why a no is a better start than a yes
- The difference between “you're right” and “that's right”
- The Ackerman model for negotiating on price
- The criticism of the book
Questions this episode answers
- Why should you not meet in the middle in a negotiation?
- What is tactical empathy?
- What are mirroring and labelling in negotiation?
- What is a calibrated question?
- Why is no a good start?
- How do you negotiate salary or price the way Voss does?
- Does hostage negotiation work in ordinary negotiations?
Key points
- Meeting in the middle often produces an outcome nobody actually wanted.
- The aim is to understand what the other side really needs – not to agree.
- “How am I supposed to do that?” moves the problem to the other side of the table.
- A no gives people a sense of control. The conversation starts from there.
- “That's right” means they feel understood. “You're right” means they want you to stop.
- The techniques are easy to describe and hard to execute under pressure.
Sources and references
- Chris Voss and Tahl Raz – Never Split the Difference (2016)
This is an independent commentary on, and explanation of, selected ideas from Never Split the Difference. It does not replace the original work. Rights to the book belong to the respective rights holders. Editorial principles .
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