Relationships

What happens if you just let other people do as they please?

Two words that became a bestseller. A walk through the ideas in Mel Robbins's The Let Them Theory – what “let them” and “let me” actually mean, where they come from, and where the limit lies for what you can release.

Back to the episode Arrow keys or swipe

What this covers

  1. The two sentences – let them, and let me
  2. Why the second half is the important one
  3. Adult friendship, and that closeness requires someone to take the initiative
  4. Comparison and envy as information
  5. Giving up on changing people who do not want to change
  6. What it should not be used for
  7. Where the idea comes from, and the discussion about its origin

Let them

The first half: let them. If someone excludes you, let them. If someone will not answer the message, let them. If someone dislikes your choice, let them. If someone decides to believe something untrue about you, let them.

Let me

The second half, and the important one: let me. Let them do as they like – let me decide what I do now.

Two sentences, and the second is the one that matters

  1. Let themPut down what you do not control: other people's behaviour, opinions and feelings.
  2. Let meDecide what you do now. Without this, the first is only resignation.
Let them leave the party without you – let me find people I enjoy. It is the second sentence that makes this an action rather than a shrug.

Where it helps most

What it should not be used for

On the origin

The idea is not new, and it is worth being open about that. Separating what you control from what you do not is the core of stoicism, and appears in Epictetus nearly two thousand years ago. In therapy it recurs as work on boundaries.

Worth knowing

Key points

  • “Let them” releases what you do not control. “Let me” says what you do instead.
  • Without the second sentence the theory is passivity, not freedom.
  • Adult friendships rarely die of conflict. They die because nobody calls.
  • Envy is a poor feeling and an excellent indicator of what you want.

Key points (cont.)

  • Some situations should not be released. Safety and mistreatment are not among the things you “let”.

Questions this answers

  • What is the let them theory?
  • What does let me mean, and why does it matter more?
  • How do you stop caring what other people think?
  • What do you do when a friend stops getting in touch?
  • When is it wrong to simply let people do as they please?
  • Is there anything new in this book?

Sources

  • Mel Robbins – The Let Them Theory (2024)

Spørretimen

Read the whole thing at

www.sporretimen.no/en/episodes/let-them-theory/