Why you might care about far too much
Not recorded yet Host Jan Sindre Heltne
A book that sells on its title and is really about values. A walk through the ideas in Mark Manson's The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck – choosing what to care about, responsibility versus fault, and how much of this is stoicism in new language.
Mark Manson was a blogger when, in 2016, he published the book with the title nobody forgets. It sold in the millions, and was read by many people who would never have bought a book about values. That is what it is.
The title does a job here, and it is worth saying plainly: it promises indifference and delivers the opposite. The book is not about ceasing to care. It is about the fact that you care about too much, and that this is why you feel bad.
You cannot care about everything
The core idea is a budget. You have a limited supply of care, time and attention, and most of what we spend it on – what other people think, small things that go wrong, whether we are ahead of or behind the neighbours – does not deserve it.
The budget, and where it actually goes
Manson also inverts positive thinking, and this is the book’s most original single move.
The backwards law
- 1You want to feel betterA perfectly reasonable starting point.
- 2You pursue itReading, trying, striving.
- 3The pursuit reminds you of the lackStriving for something presupposes that you do not have it.
- 4You feel worseNot because of what is missing, but from measuring yourself against it.
- 5You try harderAnd the circle tightens.
Problems are exchanged, not removed
There is no such thing as a life without problems, and the solution to one problem is usually a new one. That is not pessimism – it is a recommendation to choose your problems carefully.
The question that actually moves something
- The usual question"What do I want?" Everybody wants the fitness, the career, the relationship. The answer distinguishes nobody from anybody.
- Manson's question"What pain am I willing to sustain?" Who is willing to train when it is boring, work when nobody is watching, have the difficult conversations?
- That answer is what decidesYou do not get what you wish for. You get what you are willing to struggle for.
Responsibility and fault
Perhaps the most useful distinction in the book, and the easiest one to get wrong.
Two words that are constantly confused
Fault
Is about the past
- Who caused it
- Can lie with someone else
- Can be entirely outside your control
- Changes nothing going forward
Responsibility
Is about what you do next
- How you relate to it now
- Always lies with you
- Not because it is fair, but because nobody else can take it
- Is the only thing that can change anything
Good and bad values
Manson proposes a test, and it is simple enough to actually use.
Manson's test for a value
Good values
You control them yourself
- Honesty
- Curiosity
- Standing for something
- Reality-based
- Socially constructive
Bad values
They depend on other people
- Popularity
- Always being right
- Being liked by everyone
- Superstitious or destructive
- Dependent on something outside you
There is also a reason “always being right” sits on the wrong side, and it is worth drawing out: the value makes it impossible to learn anything. Manson argues that uncertainty is a precondition for development – if you are certain, there is nothing left to find out.
Death as the yardstick
The book’s final chapter is also its most serious, and the tone shifts completely.
Most of what you worry about means nothing seen from the end.
Why Manson includes it: he uses death as the ultimate test of what deserves your attention – a filter that is brutal, but effective.
Where it comes from: he credits Ernest Becker, who argued that much human behaviour is an attempt to leave behind something that outlasts the body.
What it does to the rest of the book: without this chapter it is a collection of advice. With it, it becomes an argument about what a life is for.
The criticism
Most of this is old, and it is worth knowing where it comes from.
Where the ideas actually originate
| The idea in the book | Where it comes from |
|---|---|
| Separate what you control from what you do not | Stoicism |
| Suffering comes from desire | Buddhism |
| Death gives life meaning | Ernest Becker, whom Manson cites himself |
The tone is also a problem for many – sweary, emphatic, and at times at odds with itself. A book insisting that you are not special spends a great deal of space on the author’s own stories. A book warning against the promises of the self-help genre is itself a self-help book with a promise in the title.
And the advice is general enough to fit everyone, which means it does not quite fit anyone. “Choose better values” is hard to disagree with and hard to do anything about tomorrow morning.
Who the book is for
Worth reading
Has never met the ideas
- Would never have picked up a book on stoicism
- Needs something to be read, not to be precise
- Recognises themselves in caring about too much
Skip it
Has met them before
- Has read Epictetus, Seneca or Marcus Aurelius
- Wants the original rather than the adaptation
- Will be more irritated than helped by the tone
Main topics
- Choosing what to care about, since you cannot care about everything
- Why chasing the positive makes us unhappy
- You are not special, and that is a relief
- Problems do not disappear – they get swapped for better problems
- Good and bad values
- Responsibility is not the same as fault
- Death as a measure
- What the book borrows, and what it simplifies
Questions this episode answers
- What does it mean not to care?
- Why does positive thinking make us unhappy according to Manson?
- What is the difference between responsibility and fault?
- What are good values?
- Is the book just stoicism with swearing?
Key points
- The point is not to stop caring. It is to care about fewer things, deliberately.
- A life without problems does not exist. The question is which problems you want.
- It may not be your fault that something happened. It is still your responsibility what you do now.
- Good values are things you control yourself. Bad values depend on other people.
- The ideas are old. The packaging is what is new.
Sources and references
- Mark Manson – The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck (2016)
This is an independent commentary on, and explanation of, selected ideas from The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck. It does not replace the original work. Rights to the book belong to the respective rights holders. Editorial principles .
The content is general information and is not individual medical advice. For questions about your own health, contact a qualified health professional.
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